On a bright sunny day, you and John, your out-of-town guest, decide to take a walk to the beach. On your way, you notice that your neighbors, who also happen to be your close friends, might be at home because their cars are parked on the driveway. What a great coincidence as you would want to introduce John to your friend’s husband as they both work in the tech industry.
You knock on the door but there seems to be no one at home. Is there anyone at home? You wonder.
You are a regular guest in this house so you decide to open the door as it is usually left unlocked. You continue to ask if anyone is at home. No one answers but you hear your female friend commanding and to a certain level “insulting” her husband in the kitchen. You stand there in confusion as he is being ordered around by your friend who is one shy church lady. The husband seems to adhere to this “mistreatment”.
He is doing as commanded, following all orders. You must be dreaming, you tell yourself!! You stand there confused. This is very demeaning you say. How can he let himself be put through this, he is a senior executive in his company and seems all macho to the outside world. And what has gotten into this woman, such a great pretender in public? And within those few minutes, you have had the honors of being a prosecutor and judge.
So what are the rules of relationships and who makes them?
Confused, you call out your friend to the side and start questioning why she has such an attitude towards her husband as you give reference to the “rules of life” where women are not supposed to behave like that and you go on and on. While your male guest (John) goes to console his peer, to talk to him about not letting women walk all over him. You and John go on a rant about how according to these rules they ought to be respectful and emphasize gender roles; your list is endless.
Your host has finally had it and to cut you short, she yells at you, “we are in a dominant/submissive relationship”. All of a sudden things have changed because now the topic is out of your league. The discussion is suddenly tricky because the topic is about peoples’ intimate lives which they normally don’t care to share with the rest of the world which includes you. You and your guest excuse yourself and leave. On your way out, you can’t stop talking about “how crazy this couple is”.
We live in a society that has different norms that still emphasizes gender roles where women behave a certain way and men a certain way. But what happens when a couple makes their choice and their choice is out of the norm? And the choice is more complicated because it is about their sexual lifestyles and interests? What you might not know about this couple is that they live a consensual lifestyle where they use physical or psychological sexual power for their fulfillment. In your friend’s case, her husband likes to be submissive and the wife is dominant. You have known them to be a happily married couple for over 20 years and the only thing wrong with their marriage is the “glitch” you saw on that day.
So what are the rules of relationships and who makes them? What makes it uncomfortable that mama is becoming the ruling queen in her home? Or would we rather mama live in bondage because of certain societal norms? Is she even in bondage considering that she is still living per societal standards to the outside world but now lives her authentic life behind closed doors? They seem to be content in their lives, so what is your business in this situation?
As they say, what happens in Vegas surely stays in Vegas. You decide to mind your own business and live your life per what you consider your “normal” and next time, you decide to stand at the door until someone opens the door to their own house.
Intersections: Gender, marital status, economic status, sexuality, religion, physical environment