It’s been a while since I wrote on this blog. I needed to take time for much-needed self-care. As I got to ponder about the many things in my life I realized that I rarely write about my own experiences as an immigrant. My recent interview on The Resilient Migrant podcast with Author Njoki Wane had me thinking about my own immigrant journey. I thought about my own sense of belonging and my love-hate relationship with the process of migration.
Here are some of the things I continue to struggle with after being in the diaspora for over 20 years
- When I mean back home I mean back where I was born, where my family is, where the roots of my ancestors are and that to me is Kenya. A land that is so beautiful with lots of green scenery, where the weather is always hot or warm, sometimes it can be dusty which I have hated since I was a kid. A country with friendly people and a country where I am free to speak the 3 languages that I learned as a kid. That is English, Kiswahili (the national language), and one’s family dialect depending on the family origin, to me that is the Kikuyu language. I can speak these languages fluently and understand the context of most Bantu languages. I should consider myself privileged for speaking multiple languages but due to westernization and colonialization, my original languages have been underestimated. The impact of these events devalued my basic identity and also lowers my self-esteem. Do you know what that does to one’s mental health? That is a topic for another day. Now I understand why Njoki Wane used the word devalue in her book “On my Mother’s Back: A journey from Kenya to Canada”.
- Although I love my country Kenya, I struggle with some aspects of it like water shortages in many communities, and the continued preferential treatment of a white man in a country that was once colonized by the British. The way I see it is that the colonizers demolished the existence of what was once a functioning and stable society.
- I struggle to see the new generation embrace things that are western. I struggle to see western franchises being built in my home country while the healthcare system cannot sustain the aftermath of consuming such foods.
- I think the hardest thing for me is to see how parents nowadays are completely denying their children the basic understanding of their African languages. I am still in disbelief when I meet kids who cannot understand the language of their family’s origin. To me, this is how we let colonialism win. Unfortunately, this can cause some identity crisis which can impact one’s mental health. Is it worth minimizing our own basic values?
And yet I also love aspects of my adopted home country
- Where I live in a place where systems run as they should, no water shortages and people keep to their appointments but at the same time, I miss connecting on a human level when I walk into these offices because if I am there for one business, I have to keep to my agenda and can’t be hanging around as I might look suspicious. This doesn’t even add to the fact that I am a black woman and there are issues with racism.
- This lovely country has given me an education something that was not afforded to me in my home country because I was not an A student. I have seen these countries offer numerous education and job opportunities to many immigrants. While all this is appreciated the challenge of fitting in is real and is mentally and psychologically draining.
During the process of colonization, there were things of value added to my ancestors, and others were discredited in the process. There is some bitterness in me for what was stolen from my people but my job is to reclaim what was taken away from the foundations of my existence. Do I struggle with a sense of belonging? Yes I do, and I realize that as I grow older I have to finally decide where I fit in. These two countries have given me so much that I treasure but I realize that the foundations of one’s life run deep in the soul and as someone once said home isn’t a place but a feeling. To me, home is where my heart is.
Only I know where my heart belongs.