It had been a long day and I could not wait to call it a day. I was like a school kid waiting for the school bell to ring for me to dash out the door. And suddenly this lady walks in and nonchalantly announced that she had just come back from a “rough sex rendezvous”.
This was the wrong topic at the wrong place because sex lifestyles were not a regular topic in such an environment so it caught everyone off guard.
The eye rolls and side-eyes told it all. Well, some of the people in that room might have had a genuine concern since this particular individual had a challenging past. “Jane Doe” was not only an introvert but she had a history of a Depressive disorder and had a physical disability, so the connection wasn’t cutting it for any of the people around her.
The people around her were trained to help and solve issues and all they wanted was what was best for her, so they thought. The people around her tried to understand why would anyone want to be involved in any aggressive sexual act like rough sex and what was it anyway? Rough sex might have different meanings to different people but it is part of the many sexual variations which basically mean engaging in an aggressive sexual act that involves some kind of physical pain which might vary from biting, slapping and some to the extent of asphyxiation. The famous Kung Fu actor, David Carradine was reported by various news channels to have died of autoerotic asphyxiation; an act where one derives sexual pleasure by use of suffocation. So are these deviant behaviors or personal preferences? We all have our values and beliefs but the reality is it is a lifestyle practiced by some individuals.
I have heard arguments on both sides and this can be a very tricky topic as these kinds of lifestyles are considered deviant by some cultures. As for Jane Doe, her “supportive team” was the one who was concerned about her lifestyle. Was it because she had other health challenges or was it because they themselves were not comfortable with the said subject?
After spending some time talking with Jane, it was evident that she thoroughly enjoyed this consensual lifestyle which she had practiced for years. She went on to elaborate on how she got her “hook up” for the day, did her thing and came back fit as a fiddle and as the same introverted woman she was. She had control over her lifestyle and knew the ins and outs of the “Rough sex world.” She actually educated us on her lifestyle and we got to ask some questions about this tabooed lifestyle. When we sat down with her, we got to understand the importance of communication, consent, boundaries setting, and other topics that might have been unclear to people outside the “rough sex” community. It was clear to most of us in that room that we were the people who needed some kind of education. What we should have been concentrating on were the issues that she was concerned about and, not her “weird” sexual lifestyle which was clearly not related to any of her presenting health challenges. It was a great reminder for me as a health professional to put my value systems in check as it might blind my service delivery.
There were many thoughts going through my mind as I headed out for the day but I could not help but think about how human beings have different desires in spite of their surroundings, abilities, or their upbringing. While there is still a lot of stigma about sexual variations and some of these behaviors termed as deviant, there is still a lot to learn, discuss and bicker about. Whether we like it or not one size doesn’t fit all.
While we promote self-satisfaction as part of health and wellness we need to remember that sexual desires are still part of the self and to some people, it might mean consenting to suffocation for their sexual wellness. Go figure!! Who really determines what is deviant?