Being a single professional woman of color, (never been married, no kids), in your late 30s and above; brings some very unique and exciting experiences as well as some of the most painful and challenging moments. You get to have “All the time” to yourself, explore various career options, volunteer, travel, cook, & clean at your own time, etc.
But on the other hand, you are deemed as a threat, others think that something is wrong with you, you are judged as this “strong independent black woman” who does not need a man, because in the words of Madea, “you can do bad all by yourself”. But what most people do not know is that after leaving your very professional job, all decked up with your skirt suit and high heels, to command the respect you deserve from your all-white male peers, you cannot wait to get in your car, to put on those flats and “be yourself”.
On the drive home, you mentally plan your evening, are you going by the grocery store? Are you cooking today? Do you have any leftovers? Are you going by the drive-thru, or is it cereal night? So, we also have all these decisions to make just like our married counterparts, the difference, you call this meeting of 1 or should I say 3 or 4, (Me, myself, I & God), to order and by the time you get to your driveway, you have made a decision to eat the cereal and call it a night.
In this season of your life, you’ve learned and/or have been forced to learn about relationship intelligence, you have learned (are learning) how to align your relationships and you know whom to call when, and then God, in His own mysterious and infinite ways, places another single lady in your life to do this singlehood life with. I am blessed with such a friend. We have scheduled monthly meetings to catch up, to talk about our careers, our personal and family struggles, and all of life in general, What A Blessing!
Using emotional intelligence when there is a lot of societal and life expectations
Lately, we have accepted and embraced our singlehood, (our reality), while anticipating what only God can do. Whereas we have not been waiting for prince charming to get our finances and investments together we have found ourselves asking what other areas we can diversify and grow our investments for our long-term/legacy goals. On this particular day, we discussed stocks, what companies we are researching, the type of stocks to invest in, growth or dividend stocks, discussed terms such as Beta and stock splitting, and then suddenly the topics turn to sex.
Yes, we are Christians, we are professionals who command respect in our various fields, and yes we have sexual desires, we are patiently waiting. Did I say patiently waiting, I meant we are pleading with God to expedite the process, you know like the days of the Bible. So on this day, we moved from stocks to sex, not only the desire to be in a sexual relationship (with our spouses) because our bodies are really ready but also how our culture and our Christian backgrounds have shaped our thoughts around sex.
The above story has been shared with permission as long as I kept the identity of the individual confidential.
Here are some interesting things that came to me as I listened to this conversation:
- It might be a challenge to change the social context of one’s environment, so how can you shift your thoughts and follow your goals? By increasing our emotional intelligence (a subject for another day) where It is important to come out of our perceived self-value and limiting beliefs in order to be empowered to attain our goals.
- To be resilient and emotionally intelligent in a society that is constantly trying to define an individual requires a lot of self-awareness; understanding one’s own behaviors, personality, and actions.
- The impact of having to fit in sometimes can bring its own challenges in self-exploration and/or self-acceptance. So how would this affect an individual’s mental health? It can have an impact on one’s self-esteem, increase anxiety and shame as you try to fit in, and can sometimes lead to depression which in turn can also impact physical and sexual health.
- Being unaware of how these challenges impact our lives can eventually bring self-sabotaging behaviors like lack of trust or acceptance, and lack of motivation to pursue one’s goals.
- It is important to diversify your relationships with people who get you. I personally have found individuals both male and female who not only define me by my Christian single status. There is more to the “lacking girl” you see.
- One story is not a reflection of everyone’s story. There are many issues that intersect within an individual. This Christian woman is also a woman of color, is of a certain age group, an immigrant, and therefore has different cultural values that impact her path. So what intersections surround you?
Life has to continue in spite of what is happening and is expected of you by society, we all have our own realities and have to learn to live within those realities. To reduce all the stresses that come with societal and life expectations “sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living” (Rachel Marie Martin)